Men Where Are Your Testicles?

Since the beginning of time man has been the hunter and provider of food for the family. It's a passage to manhood that we still celebrate in today's society when a boy learns to hunt or fish from his father. It is a form of bonding that has been going on for centuries. Part of that right of passage includes cooking your kill or catch over an open fire.

Now fire was probably the most important discovery man ever made. Some will argue it was the wheel but fire offered man warmth, protection, the ability to cook, to dry clothes and to avoid tipping the pizza guy. It was around the campfire that stories were passed along to younger generations, legends were repeated, first beers were consumed, and young men were taught the age old art form of how to cook over a fire. This culinary education would be carried back into the civilized world and became a valuable part of his future relationship with his wife and family.

For generations men have taken charge of the right of summer called the Bar B Que or grilling. It was with this simple act that he reassured his mate and family that he was the ultimate provider. The alpha male that could not only bring home the bacon but, in the event of an emergency, prepare the meal for the family over an open fire. His woman would swoon in amazement as he mastered the flames, seasoning the meat, the flipping and turning it as the savory juices were sealed inside as the outside seared. Throughout history it was a proven fact that there was a direct correlation between a man cooking the family meal over the charcoal grille and the increased frequency of trying to procreate. Scientists assume that the females feel so protected and reassured by their mates actions that they have this natural maternal urge to bring another life into the world.

So with all of this said what in the name of God is going on with men today? I listened on the radio the other day as grown men debated purchasing a gas grille or a real charcoal grille. Men were calling in talking about side burners and infra-red coils on a BBQ grille. They were talking about spending up to $1,200 for a BBQ grille. While walking through the grocery store today that had several grilles for sale and only one was charcoal. The rest had warming tray, bread ovens, timers and lights.

Men, and I use this term loosely, do not go out and purchase one of these new fangled devices. You already have one, it's located in your kitchen and it is called a stove! Your woman cooks you meals on it almost every night. These new "BBQ" grilles take no effort, no special talent, they do nothing to reassure the family that you are the alpha male. They are a friggen outdoor stove for crying out loud. Your kid could cook the dinner by following a recipe off the Food Network!

I feared this day would come as men were forced to become more aware of their feelings back in the late 70's. We were told that we needed to be in touch with our feminine side. Slowly the testosterone has been sucked out of our bodies causing our, well not mine because I still cook on a charcoal grille, testicles to grow smaller with each passing decade. Over the years we have wondered why our family doesn't look at us with the amazement of our youth and it's all because of these new gas grilles. Your woman doesn't need you to cook outside any longer, and she keeps talking about her friend "Bob". I've never met this "Bob" but he seems to have a specific edge over you or I. The once mighty charcoal grille has evolved into a prop that could be used at a Village People concert.

It is time for men to look back, reach back and move to a simpler time when all that was required to cook ribs, chicken, burgers or hot dogs was a grate, some charcoal, lighter fluid and a pair of tongs.

Now that was cooking!